My Grief Came Out In Phlegm
An exercise in expelling grief via book launch stress
It’s hard to believe that Where Are You, Echo Blue? comes out in just 5 days. June 16, people!! If you pre-ordered my book, thank you thank you thank you. If you haven’t there’s still time, and Barnes & Noble is doing a 25% off promotion here with code PREORDER25. Once you get my book can you do me a few favors?
Take a picture of my book. You can hold my book,, you can sit it on a desk. You can pose with it naked in the shower. But blur out your parts first!
Post that picture on social media!
Tag me on IG, Facebook, TikTok or Threads. That way I can repost your post and show off all of my support.
If you want to go crazy, write the hashtag #whereareyouechoblue
So important: Write a review on the big bad empire Amazon about how much you love the book.
Ok, on to the real stuff.
It’s no secret I am stressed. So my friend Jodi and her friend Stephanie read my tarot cards last Friday night. I got three cards. Two wonderful cards that will bring me prosperity and peace. But the middle card, the card they were the most concerned about was this card.
It is the Three of Swords. At face value, it’s a beautiful card. A heart pierced with three swords. The rain in the background. A storm looks like it’s coming or has passed. The heart is so bright, despite being attacked isn’t it? But it’s the card that symbolizes heartbreak and foreboding. Jodi and Stephanie thought the card, for me, had a lot to do with grief. I have three books. These swords represent the books.
The second book, The Falling Girls didn’t do well. It’s a very personal book for me - well, they all are, but this was about friendship breakups. It was my second book that came out during the pandemic. I hadn’t done any in store appearances. My books weren’t doing that well because of a global pandemic, and The Falling Girls, in all truth, that almost broke me. I didn’t think I was going to get another book deal. I thought my writing career was over. My editor had one foot out the door. The claimed to love me, but didn’t put any marketing at all into The Falling Girls. I hired an outside publicist, who was lovely, but it cost a SHIT TON of money and it didn’t really do anything to move the needle.
I got very sick after that book came out. Bronchitis for probably about two months. Just wouldn’t go away. Bronchitis, I have been told, is the emotional sickness. It’s the sickness of grief. I’m going somewhere with this I promise.
By sheer luck, my tv/film agent got The Falling Girls into the hands of the right people who loved it and understood it. The Falling Girls was optioned by Made Up Stories the production company behind Big Little Lies and Nine Perfect Strangers. (There’s more news that I can’t talk about yet, but good things are coming…) Yes, I know it’s not just luck, but nothing should have happened to The Falling Girls after that release. It still has a life because of its merits. Because it’s a good fucking book. Because stories about teenage girls who are going through friendship breakups shouldn’t be tossed in the slush pile.
As Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction said, “I’m not going to be ignored, Dan.” That’s The Falling Girls.
Anyway, my point isn’t about books that are ignored by publishers. My point is about grief. That I was grieving The Falling Girls and it’s failure to reach an audience and that it was still giving me panic attacks now that my new book, Echo Blue was about to come out. Stephanie and Jodi pointed at the three of swords. They told me I’m going to have to get rid of my grief.
“But I talk about it all the time, how disappointed it made me. How scared I was that I wasn’t going to have a career.”
“Crying and expelling is different than talking,” they told me.
“It’s more than just the book,” Jodi said. “There’s been a lot of grief in your life this year.”
She’s right of course. My son’s father died last summer. My best friend’s husband died six months ago. It’s not just the book.
“You’re going to have to really process this grief,” Stephanie said. “I feel that it’s still lingering. The card is telling us it’s still here. That you won’t be able to get to these happier cards without really processing this.”
They hugged me and I promised them I would cry.
Instead that night I felt awful. It felt like a vice was around my neck. Painful. The next two days I was exhausted, low energy. My chest was feeling tight. I started using my inhaler because I do have a history of bronchitis and asthma. I know stress can make you sick and though every on Instagram looks happy and wonderful and exciting… la la la, I have a book coming out, la la la, I promise you I am a writer and I’m filled with top to bottom angst and worry. By Sunday I could barely get out of bed. Monday I had a full on mucus-y cough (sorry to get gross here) and I have spent the past two days in bed coughing up lovely yellow crap. Yuck. Doctor gave me a chest x-ray and there was a little clouding on my left lung, not pneumonia but he put me on steroids.
I texted Jodi.
So there you have it. My grief came out in phlegm. I am taking care of myself. I’m seeing my pulmonologist tomorrow. Resting up for my big launch week next week. Don’t worry. I’ll be okay.
And… if you’re in the area, I hope to see you at my book launch party at Watchung Booksellers in Montclair on Wednesday, July 17 at 7pm! Please make sure to register here so that the bookstore knows how many people are coming.
Thank you all and I love your support!!
-Hayley